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It's been four days now of total emptiness. It's not even loneliness or depression, just staring at a black hole, feeling nothing.
If anything, I'm slightly annoyed at my lack of emotions. Some people would think having no feelings would be useful, they're probably right, but it erases all enjoyment from life. I don't even enjoy food. I eat for nutritional value, and so I can drink my meds safely. I got sick last weekend, but nothing serious. No, my big problem isn't physical or even mental. It's much deeper, on the emotional and spiritual side of things. Unless I caught some new strain of flu that hacks into the brain, or something.
I've been googling "emptiness" and related phrases and was terribly disappointed. It's always tied with depression, suicide, and some (far more serious) psychiatric disorder where the only advice is to seek professional help and drink psych meds. Considering that the ones making those websites are pros too, it seems my condition is still largely unknown to the medical community.
Being depressed or hating yourself is NOT emptiness. At least not emptiness as I experience it. Depression and sadness and anger are things, they are emotions and as such, have power that can be turned around. But what about un-feeling, or having feelings at such a weak level that nothing matters? Maybe I need to get hurt, to be hit with something so bad as to fire off so many neurons that even emotions are activated. But I can't ask someone to give me such a treatment without seeming either a masochist or a hopeless case.
Maybe I am a hopeless case...
If anything, I'm slightly annoyed at my lack of emotions. Some people would think having no feelings would be useful, they're probably right, but it erases all enjoyment from life. I don't even enjoy food. I eat for nutritional value, and so I can drink my meds safely. I got sick last weekend, but nothing serious. No, my big problem isn't physical or even mental. It's much deeper, on the emotional and spiritual side of things. Unless I caught some new strain of flu that hacks into the brain, or something.
I've been googling "emptiness" and related phrases and was terribly disappointed. It's always tied with depression, suicide, and some (far more serious) psychiatric disorder where the only advice is to seek professional help and drink psych meds. Considering that the ones making those websites are pros too, it seems my condition is still largely unknown to the medical community.
Being depressed or hating yourself is NOT emptiness. At least not emptiness as I experience it. Depression and sadness and anger are things, they are emotions and as such, have power that can be turned around. But what about un-feeling, or having feelings at such a weak level that nothing matters? Maybe I need to get hurt, to be hit with something so bad as to fire off so many neurons that even emotions are activated. But I can't ask someone to give me such a treatment without seeming either a masochist or a hopeless case.
Maybe I am a hopeless case...
I got it, I got it... nope, I lost it again.
Just when I thought I had cleared my head enough and gotten the motivation to start over... Nope.
I'm in a deep pit. I don't even know why.
I just feel ridiculously empty. Like you can pour all the best wishes on me and they'll just go out through a million holes.
I want to find meaning, I want to find love, I want to find happiness, except I don't really "want", the meaning of the word is lost on me, as well as the other words.
It's like finding out I've been betrayed and despite what I believed so far, I don't matter. My feelings don't matter. I could try to get angry about that, but remember, it doesn't matter what I feel.
People migh
Starting over, and many thanks.
Using my dA to find help with life is getting a little old. For everyone who had been giving advice and whatnot, I appreciate it. I don't mind the harsh comments. I know they were honest and made with good intentions.
This place has turned into a sort of crutch for me. Maybe I should leave, or at least do more art, less talking. Whatever I do, I'll bring it to real life. I might as well face life head on.
I joined dA for two reasons: to learn how to improve my craft, and to make friends with similar interests. But in the past year I've only been here to ask for help. That has to stop. Right now.
I'm wondering what to do with the literature
I give up. I'm done.
Why did I have to keep trying? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I can't feel anything but broken now. I have done anything I could, I applied to school again, now I regret it. I took the entrance exam last week. It was so easy it's insulting, and yet even now there is "no result". I am pretty sure the school rejected me, in spite of my efforts, because I failed and dropped out of school so many times before.
The entrance exam was so easy I felt insulted. It made me realize that the school's standards aren't really that high, although it is a prestigious one that costs a lot. I have the feeling I won't get in, thanks to my history of dropping out of
Trust issues
If I'm paranoid, it's because I've been hurt.
Maybe I'm just psychotic. Maybe I'm far from normal. Maybe I'm hopeless.
I can't trust anyone anymore, not even myself. Come on, obviously I screwed up. Everything is my fault. At least that's what everyone is making me believe.
I've apologized for my mistakes so many times, and I still feel guilty for shutting people out, for disappointing others, or for simply being different. But has anyone apologized to me for ostracizing me and making my awful life worse?
I realized lately that the one who is adjusting to everybody else is always me me me. I have a condition. I have a problem. I should do
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Comments2
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Wow. Exactly one year later and I'm feeling exactly the same.
It would be funny if it weren't actually happening to me. This is just tragic.
It would be funny if it weren't actually happening to me. This is just tragic.