Nothing but nothing

2 min read

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diablong-buang's avatar
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It's been four days now of total emptiness. It's not even loneliness or depression, just staring at a black hole, feeling nothing.

If anything, I'm slightly annoyed at my lack of emotions. Some people would think having no feelings would be useful, they're probably right, but it erases all enjoyment from life. I don't even enjoy food. I eat for nutritional value, and so I can drink my meds safely. I got sick last weekend, but nothing serious. No, my big problem isn't physical or even mental. It's much deeper, on the emotional and spiritual side of things. Unless I caught some new strain of flu that hacks into the brain, or something.

I've been googling "emptiness" and related phrases and was terribly disappointed. It's always tied with depression, suicide, and some (far more serious) psychiatric disorder where the only advice is to seek professional help and drink psych meds. Considering that the ones making those websites are pros too, it seems my condition is still largely unknown to the medical community.

Being depressed or hating yourself is NOT emptiness. At least not emptiness as I experience it. Depression and sadness and anger are things, they are emotions and as such, have power that can be turned around. But what about un-feeling, or having feelings at such a weak level that nothing matters? Maybe I need to get hurt, to be hit with something so bad as to fire off so many neurons that even emotions are activated. But I can't ask someone to give me such a treatment without seeming either a masochist or a hopeless case.

Maybe I am a hopeless case...
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Comments2
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diablong-buang's avatar
Wow. Exactly one year later and I'm feeling exactly the same.
It would be funny if it weren't actually happening to me. This is just tragic.